My Rating System: The movies reviewed here at the Vault are rated according to their “radioactivity.” The more radioactive a film is, the better it is! Anything that doesn’t cause you to glow in the dark or mutate is probably not worth watching, but then again, to be a well-rounded b-movie enthusiast, you have to watch really awful movies from time to time.
– HIGHLY RADIOACTIVE!
May cause you to grow numerous eyes which will allow you to drink in the visual feast of a “five rad” movie! A film that gets this rating is legendary; a definitive cult classic; the best of the best!
– VERY RADIOACTIVE!
May result in the growth of new appendages, allowing you to easily operate the numerous controllers for your home entertainment system! A “four rad” movie is very good and worth making time for!
The television will bask in your glow! A “three rad” film is definitely perfect for a boring afternoon or a rainy day!
– SOMEWHAT RADIOACTIVE!
You can derive more radiation (and enjoyment) by sticking your head inside a microwave. “Two rad” movies aren’t all that great, but they do
have some redeeming qualities.
– PARTIALLY RADIOACTIVE!
More radioactivity can be found in the bottom of a septic tank, which ironically is where “1 rad” movies belong! This one will cause you some pain and discomfort.
– BARELY RADIOACTIVE!
A brief blip on the “B-Movie Geiger Counter.” This rating is typically
used in conjunction with the others. However, if a film should get a
mere “half-rad,” you may want to avoid it as it may cause severe
(mental) health problems.
– NOT RADIOACTIVE!
DO NOT PUT THIS FILM INTO YOUR DVD/BLU-RAY PLAYER! INSTEAD, KILL IT WITH FIRE! YE HAVE BEEN WARNED!