As of my writing this, Donald Trump (or Drumpf if you’ve watched John Oliver’s brilliant takedown of the Republican presidential “hopeful”) is proving to be a force to be reckoned with, in the race to become America’s new Commander in Chief. He’s shaking up the establishment and leading the polls, all while showing the uglier side of our great nation.
How did this all happen? Can we stop Donald Trump? Should we stop him? I can’t really answer those questions because politics isn’t my area of expertise. But movies are. So to cope with the troubling turn of events in the American political scene, I’ve turned to cinema to keep calm and carry on. Unfortunately I’ve been watching, and thinking about such films as THEY LIVE, THE DEAD ZONE, THE HIDDEN, and several others.
While I know these films are just “flights of fancy,” they got the gears turning in my brain and led me to develop a theory about Trump: What if he isn’t human? What if he has some insane plot to take over the U.S.A., and eventually the world?! More alarmingly, what if destroying humanity is his end game?!
With his ridiculous hair, tanned hide complexion, goofy facial expressions, and “baby fingers,” Trump is easily the most bizarre-looking candidate that is aiming to become the Republican presidential nominee. (Though admittedly, his face isn’t nearly as punchable as Ted Cruz’.) But who or what is Trump exactly? Well, based on movie logic, isn’t it obvious? Donald Trump is clearly an alien!
To back up my trumped-up claim, here’s a list of six films featuring nefarious extraterrestrials, that are guaranteed to provide us movie fanatics with plenty of ideas to build our Trump conspiracy theories on! Be forewarned that there will be a lot of major spoilers ahead, so read on at your own risk!
THEY LIVE (1988)
THEY LIVE is a brilliant film that remains remarkably topical and relevant almost thirty years after its release. Alien capitalists have been colonizing Earth in secret. They’ve been altering the Earth’s climate and atmosphere to their liking, and have embedded themselves within the ranks of the powerful, wealthy, and elite. The rich get richer, the poor get poorer, and the global temperatures continues to climb.
The reason these beings from another world remain unseen is their technology: They’ve created a signal that shields their true physical appearance from our view, and allows them to surround us with subliminal messages and advertising. We are their cheap labor, and while we remain “asleep,” they can go about their business. And the only thing that is standing in their way is a small resistance group, made up of hard-working lower middle-class Americans.
Holy shit… this isn’t a fictional film at all, it’s a documentary! This is happening right now! And clearly Trump (as evidenced by this awesome t-shirt) is the leader of the silent invaders! Sadly, we no longer have Roddy Piper to stand up to him and wake the masses, so what former pro-wrestler is going to rise to the task? Personally, only one comes to mind at the moment, because he is a real American….
THE HIDDEN (1988)
Based upon what I’ve seen in Jack Sholder’s classic THE HIDDEN, I’m becoming more and more convinced that Trump could be possessed by an evil being from another galaxy. In the film, two cops chase after a criminal from another world that squeezes its slug-like body down the throats of unlucky victims. It then goes on amazingly violent rampages: Stealing cars, robbing banks, destroying public property, and gunning down anyone that gets in its way.
OK, none of that sounds like Trump, but at the end of THE HIDDEN, the alien decides it wants the adulation and love of the masses, and thus decides to become a presidential candidate. The alien invades the body of a Senator who is planning to announce his candidacy, and had it not been for a hero armed with a flamethrower, the alien may have succeeded.
This scenario is a bit of a stretch, so the only way to be sure if “The Donald” is “The Alien,” is to burn his face off with a flamethrower. (#FeeltheBern) Then, if his charred corpse vomits out a huge-ass slug, we’ll know for sure! If not, we still come out on top! It’s a win-win!
BODY BAGS (1993)
BODY BAGS is an oft-overlooked Horror anthology starring John Carpenter as the host for a trio of terrifying tales. The second segment (“Hair”) features an aging businessman named Richard Coberts (Stacy Keach!) who worries an awful lot about his balding scalp. Instead of embracing the “solar panel for the sex machine” on top of his head, he’s constantly trying herbal remedies, hairpieces, and even glorified spray paint to hide his thinning hair.
When all seems lost, Richard sees an ad on television for a miracle hair transplant procedure that is 100% guaranteed! Desperate to regain his “lost” youth and sex appeal, the narcissistic Coberts undergoes the treatment and is instantly blessed with a beautiful mane of hair. But all is not as it seems, as it turns out that “hair transplant” was actually alien speak for “implanting eggs in your scalp so our young can devour your brain!”
The gift of hair suddenly becomes a curse, and Richard becomes a snack for a race of extraterrestrials that prey upon humans who are obsessed with their physical appearance.
This makes so much sense! Trump’s hair! HIS HAIR IS THE CULPRIT! Clearly it is a nest of microscopic alien serpent babies that are slowly devouring his grey matter! Not only does this explain the terrible-looking carpet of fuzz upon his head, but it also reveals the truth behind his rambling speeches, and inability to remember what his original stance was on any political issues!
Then again, maybe there wasn’t much lurking beneath Trump’s skull, and perhaps the hair upon his head is merely the desiccated remains of the brain-eating aliens who starved to death.
GODZILLA VS. GIGAN (1972)
A motley crew of hippie do-gooders, and the kaiju tag-team of Godzilla and Anguirus, saves Japan from alien invaders in this fun adventure from Toho Studios! Intelligent cockroaches from another world decide to make Earth a peaceful world by wiping out humanity! Utilizing King Ghidorah and Gigan, the aliens make the giant creatures destroy Japan, thus paving the way for their invasion and leading Godzilla, Earth’s savior, into a deadly trap!
What if some sort of intelligent insect is using Trump’s guise to become President? And what if that being intends to start a nuclear conflagration to wipe out humanity and create “a perfect peace?” And much like the space roaches built a Godzilla Tower to be their ultimate weapon against Godzilla himself, what if Trump’s proposed Mexican border wall will secretly harbor a devastating weapon that he intends to use on his enemies?!
To stop this version of Trump, all we need is a crack team of anti-Trump hippies, armed with explosives and a convoluted plan to trick Donald into blowing himself up! I don’t have much faith that this idea would actually be successful, but hey, it worked in the movie…
GODZILLA VS. MECHAGODZILLA & TERROR OF MECHAGODZILLA (1974 & 1975)
Ape-like aliens known as Simians are doomed: Their world is slowly and inexorably being sucked into a black hole, so they are looking for prime real estate on Earth. Masquerading as humans, they plan on unleashing a robotic Godzilla doppelganger upon Japan (and eventually the rest of the world) to begin demolition.
Luckily for humanity, Godzilla and a giant Lion god named King Caesar (who looks more like an angry Pekinese) are having none of that. Together the two kaiju saviors fight to destroy the Simians’ mechanical marvel, and save humanity from annihilation and enslavement.
Shortly after that victory though, the Simians return and rebuild Mechagodzilla in a second attempt to colonize Earth. This time they also utilize another creature for their nefarious renovation plans: A remotely controlled dinosaur named Titanosaurus! Godzilla instinctively arrives on the scene to take on the two monsters in order to save the Earth, and stop the Simians’ evil plans once and for all!
Trump is a real-estate mogul that often resembles an ape when blustering behind a podium, so he very well could be a Simian in disguise. The only way we can know for sure is if a giant robot with Trump’s name emblazoned across its chest, begins a surprise attack on America. Alternately, we can find out for sure if Trump suffers an injury, which would reveal his true form. (Much like the alien beings in GODZILLA VS. MECHAGODZILLA.) All it would take is a paper cut or a blazing hot cup of coffee spilled onto his lap to reveal his true identity. Then an Interpol agent that resembles Elvis could take him out and save us all!
INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS (1956, 1978, & 1993)
Alien spores fall to Earth and slowly start to assimilate humanity while we sleep, growing exact duplicates within vegetable-like pods. Paranoia strikes deep, and those that discover the terrifying secret are hard-pressed to get anyone to believe them. In the end, depending on which version you are watching (the original classic, or one of the remakes), either the authorities are alerted in the nick of time, or humanity is royally screwed.
While as unlikely a scenario as those I’ve already listed, one does wonder if Trump is like the “Mother pod” and slowly replacing the masses with mindless drones. It would explain his massive popularity, and could also explain why former Republican candidate Ben Carson always looked sleepy during interviews and debates. Maybe Ben was just trying to stay awake so he wouldn’t be assimilated into the Trump hivemind.
If this is the case, I’m not really sure what we can do do stop Trump. Looks like he’s guaranteed a four-year term in the White House, and world peace would technically be achieved, since we’d all be serving under one super-consciousness. However this doesn’t bode well for humanity at all because even if the pod-Trumps conquer the world, they only live for five years (if we’re going by the rules set forth in Jack Finney’s The Body Snatchers.)
If that happens, then after half a decade, the Earth would be a barren, lifeless wasteland. Egads! Maybe that’s what happened to Mars! Quick! Someone build an “ark” and hide people and animals deep underground until the five years is up! Then you can reboot the world!
Thanks for reading this satirical and semi-political list Vault Dwellers! If you enjoyed it, please let me know – I love getting your feedback! Also feel free to share your very own film-based Trump theories of how he might be an alien, cyborg, demon, or some other fantastical villain, in the comments section below!
And remember to exercise your right to vote in the upcoming presidential primaries gang! Read up on your candidates, watch how they act during the debates, and choose accordingly. Remember, this person is going to represent America on the world stage, so we better not choose poorly.